


White Noise

by InkedConstellations



Series: 23 Emotions Challenge [4]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alma is sort of here but not really so i won't put him in the characters listed, Basically none of this has a happy ending, Confusion, He's really unhappy with himself, Kanda isn't sure what's going on, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 10:30:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4956823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkedConstellations/pseuds/InkedConstellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Half-remembered feelings and faces swim in front of his eyes before he wakes up.<br/>Usually he forgets immediately what he was dreaming of. Dreams don't matter, since they aren't part of reality.</p>
<p>But with the arrival of such a tragic 'hero' as Allen Walker, Kanda suddenly finds it hard to keep a lid on his emotions, and that half-remembered feeling shivers into focus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	White Noise

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [23emotions](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/23emotions) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  Deep Cut (n.): an emotion you haven’t felt in years that you might have forgotten about completely if your emotional playlist hadn’t been left on shuffle—a feeling whose opening riff tugs on all your other neurons like a dog on a leash waiting for you to open the door.

The first time Kanda meets Allen Walker, actually meets him, without trying to kill him, he feels a spark of something that he hasn't felt in a very long time.

 

Interest.

Immediately followed by annoyance.

 

With the scent of a martyr in his smile and the spark of a sharp wit in his eyes, Allen Walker smacked of something new. Something Kanda had never seen before. He found his eyes being drawn to the red scar across Allen's pale cheek and the wrinkled, bruise-purple skin of his arm, and found himself curious. Curious was not good. A strong warrior distanced themself from the world, for to have emotions was to have connections to this world. To be angry or pleased was to be off balance, and the last thing Kanda needed was a connection to the world he hoped to leave as soon as possible. Nothing would hold him back more than to be  _interested_. How dare his brain make a decision like that without his consent?

So he built a wall between himself and Allen, smacking his offered handshake away with a scoff. Trying to shake away the want to figure out this person, this creature, like a puzzle laid on the floor, Kanda told himself he had better things to do than be a babysitter. But instead of fading away, like Kanda had hoped, the boy became a persistent thorn in his shoe.

* * *

The second time Kanda meets Allen Walker, he decides the boy is like a snake. All charm and smiles until you stepped on his tail, and then sudden death. Kanda doesn't die, of course, but to be honest his wrist is a bit numb from where the stupid beansprout boy grabbed him. It's irritating someone that small has such strength.

Kanda swears internally he's using that parasitic Innocence of an arm to cheat. It's really just an excuse not to admit he may have been momentarily defeated. Kanda Yuu does not have a leash, and his win-lose record is impeccable. He has not lost anything, except perhaps a bit of his dignity. The annoyance returns, but this time it is aimed at Walker, not himself. Why the hell does this boy think he has the right to touch Kanda? To spout ideals and morals like they can actually be followed when living at the Black Order? And why the hell can't Kanda seem to find the guts to just run him through with his sword, right then? Damn curiosity.

It seems to be much longer than it is before they part ways again. They argue. They fight with each other. They split up. They fight side by side. It is not the novice, but the seasoned warrior who is injured, and strangely, it still seems as though Walker is worse off. He cries over an empty shell and Kanda can't help but feel those tears are a waste. He should save his sadness for when he needs it. By the time they have returned from Mater, Kanda has a different view of the new Exorcist.

Foolish, idealistic, antagonistic, and irritating are all on the list of words Kanda associates with him.

Weak is not.

Suddenly it is no longer absurd, how easily the thin boy drew his attention. The realization of exactly how complicated, how convoluted, Walker is gives birth to new insight. Kanda is no longer just interested in how strong he is, whether or not he would hold the swordsman back as he worked. It was obvious he could keep up.

Now, he wonders exactly how far this fragile boy will go before he breaks. Because Allen Walker is not a snake, but a doll. Which means somebody else must be pulling the strings.

* * *

The third time Kanda meets Allen Walker, it is right after he has had a dream. Dreams come often, when he's meditating. Falling into a state of half-sleep lets his mind wander in a way that's impossible when he's awake. It's simply a mesh of half-remembered feelings and faces, people from a different lifetime and emotions that don't exist anymore. A girl with hands softer than the Order's pillows and a voice lighter than the air he breathes, a stirring deep inside that pulls at Kanda's gut and forces his eyes open.

Usually, he can brush off the images and forget immediately what he was dreaming of. Dreams don't matter, since they aren't part of reality.

But as he watches Allen Walker shovel food into his mouth at a frightening speed, Kanda suddenly finds it hard to forget. That half-remembered feeling shivers into focus, his dream snapping into clarity as if it had always existed. Kanda isn't sure what name to give it, only that Walker is quite graceful despite the speed at which he's eating, and his white hair shines under the order's lamps like her smile did. Kanda turns his gaze away, frowning into his soba as Walker's laugh carries and burrows its way into his ears. Kanda wonders what he would sound like if he was genuinely happy.

Then he stands quickly and clears his plate, heading to spar with himself. He needs to take his mind off reality for a while, because whatever this unnamed feeling is, it's a lot more dangerous than interest.

 

He begins noticing that feeling more often, now. A spark of it when Allen does card tricks in the grand hall at his welcoming party, alcohol making his fingers limber and his voice smooth. Kanda frowns and moves away, going over a new practice schedule in his head and avoiding Noise Marie.

It flares up in the back of his mind, mingled with acknowledgement when he admits to himself that Walker isn't quite so useless as he'd first liked to believe. The boy has skill, and puts his acrobatic background to good use. Unfortunately, he's still as irritating as ever, and Kanda finds himself snapping at finders all day. His irritation grows when he realizes Walker is able to put him off center without even being present.

A flash of it mixed with gratitude the first time they spar, and Kanda is reminded of what it feels like to fight someone strong, someone who can fight back. He relishes the ability to push as far as he is able, and gives a very small smile when he realizes that he's sick of winning without effort. The beansprout gives meaning to training again, and he forgets to squash that itching emotion.

He feels it in admiration when Allen does a backflip over a level one and lands perfectly on his toes, the explosion echoing behind him. It is like watching liquid become human, and Kanda catches himself before he compliments the boy, instead just giving a grunt and a nod of approval. They had enough 'bonding' or whatever this shit is for a lifetime. Kanda's interest is getting far too in depth, and he curses himself for letting the white-haired Exorcist somehow sneak onto his very short list of people he sees as equal. Well, perhaps equal is a bit of a stretch. He's still idealistic, after all.

That self-sacrificing nature kills Kanda just as much as it did the first time.

First time? They haven't met before, but Allen seems more and more like that girl from his dreams, especially when

there's pain in that eye

there's cracks in that smile

there's blood on his uniform

And suddenly Kanda is no longer curious how far Allen can go before breaking, but concerned that he is falling apart so quickly. The Destroyer of Time is supposed to be eternal, and there's no way he would ever become interested, ever acknowledge anyone weak enough to fall before Kanda does.

Except Allen Walker does not fall. He picks himself up over and over again. He regrows his eye, his injuries heal, and his smile never falters. And Kanda remembers that feeling from his dream, the one that shows up whenever Allen is around and that he covers with the easily explainable, easily named anger. It's terrifying, how patchwork everyone he falls for ends up being. Because the name of that emotion, that fuzzy light that fills his ears with static and forces his eyes to narrow, is actually quite easy to remember.

Caring.

 

The next time Kanda meets Allen Walker, he finds himself hoping it will not be their last.

The next time Kanda meets Allen Walker, he is terrified it will be with a coffin.

Every time he meets Allen Walker, Kanda wishes he never remembered how to feel, wishes he could cut that heart out of himself.

_Cut him so deep he bleeds without dying._

 

 

 


End file.
